This is my favourite definition in Watson’s Dictionary of Weasel Words, Contemporary Clichés, Cant & Management Jargon by Don Watson, a Vintage book published by Random House Australia P/L, copyright Don Watson 2004:

call centre:  A place where calls are ‘attended to’. Attending to calls is offshorable: you may think the ‘first available consultant’ to attend your call is an Indian in Brisbane or Sydney, but he or she is more likely to be an Indian in New Delhi who works for a company that is not the one you thought you phoned but one you’ve never heard of. This is because attending to calls is not only offshorable, it is also outsourceable. But your call is no less important to them. Some people may find this disconcerting, but only those who think about it. You may be assured that it is in the interests of all stakeholders.

Please do not interrupt call centre workers: they will lose their place in the ‘lawyer approved’ script they are obliged by their employers to read. This script is non-negotiable and if they fail to follow it word for word they might be dismissed. Still we all need to have fun, and the worker can hardly be blamed if you say, ‘How’s the weather in Bangalore? Is Tendulkar still in?’ Or: ‘Talking to you reminds me of a great dhosa I had in Delhi in 1973.’ Conversations with call centre workers are often better than those you have with your mother. Many call centre workers will talk with wit about George W. Bush, Nicole Kidman or The God of Small Things. Local call centre workers are in general less inclined to wander into these areas: they quickly develop a whining tone and treat you like a pest or an idiot. Remember, call centre workers are in a bind: they are not allowed to hang up on you, but they are marked down by their managers for talking too long. When the say that the company has made ‘a commercial decision to charge fees for this category of transaction’ the pickle is passed to you – do you let them know in brutal detail what you think about the weaselly ‘commercial decision’ and the egregious bloody outfit that made it, or do you pay the innocent underpaid person on the other end of the phone the kindness and respect working people deserve?

Have a nice day.

‘Should you ever need to page Premier Steve Bracks, chances are you’ll have to speak to someone in Indonesia. And it’s not just the Premier – calls made to the pagers of a string of Victorian MPs yesterday went to a telephone call centre in Jakarta.’ –The Age, October 2003.

Weasel Words can be purchased “wherever good books are sold”. Dr Ron recommends this book as compulsory reading for all politicians, public speakers, corporate communication managers and all people who appreciate that George Orwell’s NewSpeak was, in fact, a timely warning.

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